I’m in a funk. I’ve been feeling very unmotivated lately. I am uninspired, lethargic, and unmoved. I have a page long to do list and have spent almost every night and the past three weekends just staring at it. Willing the lines to cross themselves out. I’ve crossed off maybe four. Out of twenty.
I’m creatively drained. I have over twenty blog post drafts just sitting, waiting to be written and I cannot finish a single one. I write down ideas in the 60-second spurts of clarity I’m randomly granted every few days. But that’s all I get.
I’ve sat at coffee shops for hours, hoping that the change in scenery would give me some energy and inspiration only to waste three hours of my time and $2.50 on a coffee clicking around the internet reading other people’s work.
I’m tired. All.The.Time. I’ve been taking naps.
I never take naps.
I’ve been staying up later than I want because I can’t get myself up off the couch to go to bed. I don’t have the energy to grab the remote on the floor and turn off the TV. So I just sit there watching shows I don’t care about.
I haven’t been sleeping. I’m a terrible sleeper to begin with but the past few weeks I’ve been waking up at 2 AM instead of 5. I wake up dripping in sweat, uncomfortable and annoyed. I turn over and check the clock. I try to go through some breathing exercises that help me relax. My heart rate slows, but I’m still awake, so I stare at my ceiling fan.
I’ve been staring a lot lately. At the ceiling. At the TV that isn’t turned on. At my computer screen. My bookshelf. The wall. My phone. I’ve been staying awake so long that my eyes start to burn by the end of the day.
My body is sore. I’ve been unknowingly curling my feet for hours in a stronghold as if I’m trying to grab a pencil with my toes. My shoulders hurt. They keep creeping up my neck as if it’s permanently 20 degrees in my apartment and I’m bundled up for winter. I’ve been clenching my fists and my teeth in my sleep.
My face hurts. I’ve been biting the inside of my cheek while I watch TV or sit on a work call. My lips curl down towards my chin a lot. I used to have dimples but I haven’t smiled in a while so I haven’t seen them. I assume they’re still there.
I’m not in a funk.
And I’m not really sure why.
But that’s kind of irrelevant because there doesn’t have to be a reason. It’s always just there.
Similar to allergies, depression can intensify and become unbearable during certain seasons of your life. You still have allergies in the winter, you just may not experience the symptoms as badly as you do during the spring. You still have depression year round, you just may be able to control it better at certain times.
With allergies, it’s our natural inclination to load up on antihistamines to try and repress the symptoms. Anyone with allergies knows how awful they are and how miserable you feel. All you want to do is to stop feeling shitty, clear your head and just breathe normally for a little.
But sometimes it doesn’t matter how many medicines you take, you still have symptoms. You still feel shitty. So, the only thing you can do is try and ease the pain and ride it out. Trying to fight the medicines not working is wasted energy. Sometimes, unfortunately, no matter how many Claritin’s you take, you still have allergies.
I still have depression. I’m on medicine and see a therapist, but I still have depression. I’ve tried to fight it, force myself to get it together and push through. But I’m still depressed.
And sometimes, the only thing to do is to just ride it out. Sometimes, instead of fighting and resisting, and trying to force yourself to be alright, you just have to take the meds and suffer a little bit.
Sometimes, the only way to get out of being depressed is to just allow yourself to be depressed. And trust, that seasons aren’t forever. Eventually, you make it to the next one.
This story was originally published on Medium. Give it a heart.