Nine months ago I "blew up my life." I broke up with my boyfriend- the guy I was living with and whom I had gone ring shopping with. I moved into my own place. I quit my job. I went backpacking through Europe for five weeks and I started a new job when I returned.
I did all of this not because I was unhappy, but I just wasn't happy enough. I had everything I thought I should have wanted and yet, I was still unfulfilled. I was uninspired and when I looked into the future I wasn't excited at what I saw. It wasn't that it was bad, or again, that I was unhappy. It was just that, it wasn't right.
So I did the hard thing. I made moves and changed my life. And while my European adventure was amazing and thrilling and everything that I thought it would be, it wasn't without its moments of confusion and loneliness.
And when I returned home, and after the newness of my job and the apartment wore off, it was lonely. And hard. I fell back into old patterns and old habits. I started behaving in the ways I swore I wouldn't, in the ways I thought this giant shift in my life was supposed to correct. I was acting out of loneliness and out of a need to feel wanted, seen, and validated.
I have never questioned my decision to "blow up my life," but I questioned if I had it in me to do the hard work. I questioned if I was really ready to go through this journey of facing myself and being able to accept what I would find.
If you've read this far, I need to stop you. I have tried multiple times over the last nine months to write about this journey. About what I have been thinking, feeling, and experiencing. But every time I try to articulate what I have been going through it sounds trite and superficial.
Talking about "journey's" and "finding yourself" and all that other bullshit is the shit you read from yogi's or self-help books (no offense to yogi's). There is no way for me to write this and not come off as some hippy-dippy, miraculously spiritually awakened person after this massive experiment that has been my life for the past nine months. And I assure you, I am not all that spiritually awakened. More self-aware, yes. But I haven't reached a "higher level" or whatever.
So, please forgive me when I use these phrases because I have yet to find a better way to explain my transformation (see, there it is again) this past year. But, it's finally time to talk about this stuff. Or, at least I am going to try.
So, I'm introducing The Progress Project - a series dedicated to talking and chronicling these changes, insights, shortcomings and everything else I have dealt with throughout this process.
As a self-proclaimed "travel blogger" I feel obligated to talk about travel a lot. And while travel was a catalyst for this transformation, and has subsequently aided in my journey and self-evaluation, not every revelation has come on a plane ride or while staring into the distance of some beautiful landscape.
That being said - I still maintan and strongly believe that travel is the best vehicle to self-discovery - and I will talk about that.